Inní mér syngur vitleysingur
by gardenofediacara
Summary: Ed can't quite come to terms with his emotions. Roy doesn't know what to make of it. (royed)


A metallic taste soaked into Ed's tongue as pain erupted from his bottom lip, and he grimaced immediately; apparently he bit down too hard. Regardless, he was more awake now, and his eyelids didn't feel so heavy anymore.

He sat up to survey the surroundings around him. There was very little light save for the dim glow of the window, and he saw the sky was illuminated in pale silver - a sign that the moon must be out. He rubbed his eyes in an attempt to soothe the itchy dryness that plagued them, but felt no relief. No doubt he had been laying in bed for hours, staring at the same unremarkable ceiling in some cramped military dorm. He lost count of the number of times he recited the periodic table.

Crawling out of bed, he decided to take a walk outside. There was no way in hell he was going to fall asleep.

Ed quietly put on his shirt and pants and looked over to Al, who was sitting against the wall by his bed. He couldn't sleep, of course; over time, Al had grown accustomed to withdrawing himself from the world, as a means to give his spirit some respite. No doubt he was consciously oblivious of Ed's movements, and Ed took advantage of this and slunk out the door. Even as the distance between him and Al grew, the quiet darkness of the hallway further separating them, he heard no signs of his brother following him. Ed's breathing relaxed a little.

He licked his chapped lips, feeling how swollen it was from earlier and tasting remnants of his blood. Looking back, he realized with sudden disgust what instigated such a reaction: at some point he gradually failed to stay awake, and his mind soon drifted in between states of consciousness. Twisted images of his worst memories were quick to latch on, and he found himself staring face-to-face with Nina in the darkness of his room, her innocent, smiling face flooding his vision internally. His lips parted, searching for words, but Nina put a hand-no, a large, furry paw-over his mouth and opened her own, grinning like a hungry wolf. Black shadows flowed through it, whispering and wavering above his head, and he felt those little hands surround his neck as the shadows enveloped his body. It was then that he instinctively bit down on his lip to wake himself up.

He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, trying to banish the image from his memory. At least conditioning himself worked; but it was, after all, treating only the symptom of a much larger complication, a disease reminiscent of a malignant tumor threatening to consume the body. He knew it was always there, gnawing at his soul from time to time, until it finally exploded in growth, spreading and ingesting his once-indomitable resolve.

He remembered how Al was quick to notice and asked what was wrong: why Ed seemed so much quieter than usual, at times disengaged and distant, and eating significantly less. Al grew more concerned when Ed started to avoid sleep altogether, spending much of his evenings reading instead.

"I just want to give you some company," was Ed's excuse.

But today, on the third night, Al had enough. He had to drag Ed out of headquarters before the rest of his brain cells shriveled up. The military dorms ended up being closest to them, much to Ed's dismay; but Al wouldn't take no for an answer.

He continued to wander down the empty hallway. It wasn't long before his mind started to meander through different avenues of his memory, empowered by the empty stillness that offered little stimulation. Though the nightmare from earlier was terrible in its own right, there were already many others; none seemed any better in comparison as his mind flipped through each of them.

The gate. Al pulled him back into it, only to have the rest of Ed's body eaten away, slowly and painfully.

His mother. She held him down with ropes tied to stakes before activating the human transmutation array. He desperately called out for help but no one answered.

Barry the chopper. He sliced off his own head as an offering ("start a collection!" he said). Ed ran off, screaming like before, racing out of the butcher's shop and through headquarters before hiding in Roy's office. Roy picked him up and held him.

A previous vision of Nina. Ed had found her in the basement of her house, still in her human form. He ran to take her into his arms but Nina's dog rushed in front of him, clamping its jaws down on his flesh arm and pulling him down. Tucker laughed at him, telling Ed that he shouldn't have interfered. He transmuted both Nina and the dog and Ed's assailant became larger and fiercer. Roy, in the midst of the conflict, set fire to them both.

Al, poor, innocent Al. He tried to save him, activating the blood seal to fix his soul onto the suit of armor. Instead, he felt his soul being ripped apart like a sheet. The shadows of the gate returned to claim what was left of him and tore him up from the inside. He screamed and writhed in agony on the floor, until someone lifted him up into their arms, pulling off the shadows to subdue the pain.

He looked up and saw Roy. He said something but Ed couldn't remember what it was.

Roy.

His pace slowed, his mind fumbling to tie together a logical thread. He continued to see him with each successive dream: someone who was fatherly, loving; a tantalizing illusion that seemed to be overwriting any negative convictions Ed held for the man, and Ed's stomach lurched at the thought.

It was then he noticed that he reached the staircase. He made his way toward the roof where he would still be able to receive some fresh air while not straying too far from Al. The door creaked as he pushed it open, and the cool night air rushed in to envelop his skin.

He felt some comfort at the sensation. It was a small reminder that he was alive, physically present in the real world; he stepped onto the moonlit cement floor and stood there, admiring how different the world looked at night, blanketed in silver light and solace, only hearing the gentle whisper of the wind passing through him. It was rare for Ed to be able to stop and actually observe the way matter was, untouched and unoccupied, outside the influence of alchemy. He watched the pale light reflect into his eyes and he felt himself become a part of that light. The tension warring in his mind slowly unraveled and drifted out onto the wind as he closed his eyes.

It felt like only moments later when he realized, outside the state of his trance, that there were footsteps echoing behind him. Someone was walking up the stairs to the roof. He turned his head to find the familiar face of Roy Mustang staring back at him, and his mind struggled to go into defensive mode. He had been pulled back to earth and the exhaustion was quick to return.

"Where the hell did you come from? Don't tell me you can transmute yourself to wherever it is I'm located," Ed snarled, but there was more surprise than hostility in his voice.

"That's what I'd like to know," Roy said, putting on his signature smirk, "and in the middle of the night, at the dorms? An odd location for someone who wants little to do with the military."

"An odd location for someone who doesn't even live here," Ed shot back, "it was dark by the time I left headquarters and Al thought it would be better than walking all the way to the hotel."

"I was just having a talk with Havoc about some future endeavors and saw you in the hallway, just as I was about to leave. Naturally, I wanted to make sure you weren't running off to do anything reckless."

Roy had moved closer to Ed as he spoke, and his presence became increasingly heavy around Ed. The man frowned as he looked into Ed's face.

"Are you ill?"

"What? No, I..." Ed stared at him for a moment but quickly looked away. That brief image of Roy's face bathed in moonlight was burned into his memory forever. "What gives you that idea?"

"You don't look well. What's going on?"

Ed wanted so much to back away and disappear, even if it meant jumping off the roof. But the colonel took hold of his face, tilting it against the moonlight to get a better look. Ed's face was unmistakably sunken and lined with exhaustion; his eyes, however, were wide with shock at the sudden intrusion, and his hand balled up into a fist, straining to swat Roy's hand away.

"Nothing," was all Ed could muster.

"I know you're lying," Roy said.

"It's nothing!" Ed hissed and gritted his teeth. He yearned to take the man's hand and break every single one of those fingers touching him, pressing heat into him and warming him against the cool air. He simply pushed his hand away. "Just go away. I didn't come up here to share a moment with you."

Ed quickly walked past him, rubbing off the man's touch with his flesh hand. He felt traces of his warmth there and clasped his hand over his mouth, his grip tightening over it as if he were sick. His mind was reeling between confusion and disgust-at Roy? At himself? Maybe it was just the dizziness he felt.

Roy watched as Ed pressed his back against a wall, slowly dragging himself down to the ground before sitting down. Silence reigned between them for what seemed like a while, with Ed staring off into the distance, and the other deep in thought.

"You know," Roy began, "depriving yourself of sleep is only going to make it worse."

Ed lifted his head up but summoned every bit of willpower he had to avoid looking at Roy. He stared into the memory of his face against the moonlight instead.

"What do you know," Ed said dismissively.

"Al was concerned about you when you told him, on multiple occasions, that you refused to sleep without so much as an explanation. Seeing how he couldn't get through to you, he came to me asking for help. And this was three days ago, mind you. I had hoped the problem would remedy itself since I know how little you enjoy personal visits from me."

Ed said nothing. Roy had moved next to him and was standing over him, arms crossed. Ed could feel those dark eyes bearing down on him.

No, he could see them as well.

"Three days you went without sleep," Roy said quietly, and he lowered himself to Ed's level, looking straight into his face, "Why are you torturing yourself like this?"

"What do you think? I'm researching. I'm still looking for another way to obtain the philosopher's stone. Now shove off."

"You and I both know that isn't the truth."

"Tch, that's what you think. You just want a reason to keep annoying me. Just go away already."

It intrigued Roy that over the course of the conversation, Ed did not look at him once; his eyes remained fixed on the floor even as he grew increasingly tense. This was unusual, given how Ed was never afraid of staring down at his opponents, Roy included. The sleeplessness was definitely taking the edge off of him, he figured.

"Fullmetal, look at me."

Ed swallowed, and licked his lips. The mark on his bottom lip still stung.

"No."

His breath hitched as Roy gently touched him once more, just as before, and turned his head to face him.

Ed could have punched the man as hard as he could with his automail fist. He could have pummeled him but he didn't. He felt so many connections in his mind were broken, unresponsive.

"I understand if you don't want to sleep, if what you see at night terrifies you. You withstand far more than anyone I know, and it's almost inhuman. But you're not invincible. Nobody is."

Ed's brow furrowed and he lowered his head, so that Roy was completely out of sight.

"Look at me, please."

"No!" Ed said more forcefully, and shut his eyes, "and what would you know?"

"Do you think I sleep well at night? Al told me you how you at your worst, before you started staying up day and night: you writhe in bed as if someone was strangling you. You utter nonsense. And when you wake up, you're pale as a ghost and drenched in sweat. He wanted you to talk with him about it but you refused, and so you decided to avoid sleeping altogether. In essence, you're running away from it."

"Heh. You can't sleep because of me?" Ed laughed, his eyes open again but narrowed, "What a fuckin' sap."

"No, Ed. Do you know what I see at night?," and here Roy placed his hands on Ed's shoulders, his voice low.

"I see children burning. I see their parents trying to protect them while soldiers fire at them, and their blood is soaking those same children. But it does nothing to drown out the flames and they are consumed. The thing that hits me the hardest, however, is the way they scream in pain, and I can't help but scream back just to get it to stop. This is what I see, almost every single night."

Ed's chest tightened and he listened intently, waiting for him to continue. He heard Roy's steady, quiet breathing, a strangely comforting sound.

"You can't set fire to your nightmares like you did with your house. You can't run from your past and you certainly can't run from this."

Ed shoved off the hands on his shoulders, glowering menacingly. He met with the man's gaze at last. "You bastard. You really went there didn't you?"

"Ed-"

"So you whimper like a baby at night over a scary little dream. What do you want me to do? Rock you until you fall asleep?"

"You're misunderstanding me-"

"Fuck you! Why do you even care? It's none of your concern what goes on inside my head and I sure as hell don't care what goes on inside of yours! Just fuck off!"

Ed's voice was growing shrill. Roy swore he could feel desperation crying out in those reddened eyes, the moonlight reflecting everything unspoken for. He watched that light build up as Ed reproached him, fracturing and wavering, until it became a tiny river, slowly descending toward his cheek before Ed wiped it away without hesitation. Roy was so perplexed by the sight that he hardly noticed that Ed had grabbed his uniform jacket with both hands.

He carefully took them in his own and pried them off.

"As your CO, I have every right to be concerned," Roy said, trying to remain as neutral as possible, "I just wanted you to know that I understand your situation completely. I'm sorry I upset you. It wasn't my intention."

Ed felt the grip of nausea wrap around his throat. This was it: he let himself become completely exposed and vulnerable in those brief seconds, in front of Roy of all people. He felt like he should be in a raging fit, spitting curses left and right before storming off. But he knew he wouldn't.

Roy was right, no one was invincible. He wasn't invincible.

He freed his hands from Roy's grasp, running his fingers down the front of his uniform. Somewhere in the darkest recesses of his consciousness he was glad, so glad Roy was here, outside of his dreams, and that feeling grew and intermingled with his anxiety. He couldn't fight himself any longer.

He was giving himself up to Roy.

"I just want," Ed said softly, proceeding to wrap his arms around the colonel, "I just want it all to stop."

His flesh hand meandered across the man's back as he felt the softness of Roy's uniform, the warmth emanating from underneath, before taking some of that fabric into his hand. He felt nauseated, hopeless; his grasp tightened and pulled until Roy could feel every woolen fiber retreat into Ed's despair, straining against his neck and shoulders.

There was hot breath warming Roy's shirt underneath. Ed had nestled his head into the confines of his uniform jacket.

"Are you aware of what you're doing?"

The fabric grew more taut.

"I'm sorry," Ed said, his voice muffled, "I guess I'm just so tired, that... I don't know. I don't know anything anymore."

"I can walk with you back to your room, and from there, I hope you will try and sleep."

"I think..."

"You think what, Fullmetal?"

Silence.

"I also expect you to see a doctor in morning," he continued, "That's an order, and it's not up for debate. There are much better ways-"

"I think I have feelings for you."

"-than the, the approach that... the way you..."

It was as if someone stuffed a wad of cotton in Roy's throat. He couldn't finish his sentence; Ed's words were filled into his mouth. They echoed repeatedly in his head, diffusing into his blood and snaking through his veins.

"Ed, I," Roy began, then shook his head. "You're delirious, Ed. You don't even know what you're saying."

"I know what I'm saying!" Ed said as he tightened his embrace, and the words continued to spill forth, "you don't have to return it. You don't have to do anything. I just, I can't help it. I just can't fuckin' keep it in my head anymore."

His eyes were stinging again. He hated himself. He hated these emotions, these stupid chemical reactions inside of his brain that were outside of his control.

He hated even more how Roy made no move return his embrace.

"But that isn't what you really want," he heard the man say.

"What isn't?"

A cold breeze rippled through Ed's disheveled hair and Roy felt the strands dance across his chin, sticking to his lips. He brushed them away.

"I'm going to take you back to your room now," Roy said, and placed his hands under Ed's arms, pushing him back a little. There was some resistance.

"I'm not sleeping," Ed said adamantly, "And I'm not seeing any doctor tomorrow either."

"Then what do you plan to do when your brain short-circuits from your stubbornness?"

"I don't know, okay?! I keep trying to find ways to get my head to stop acting so stupid but nothing works. What the hell can a doctor do?" Ed paused, lifting his head once more to look at Roy. "And what is it that I don't really want?"

"Do you really not know the answer, or do you just want to hear it from me?"

"I..."

Ed lowered his eyes.

 _I know the answer._

Ed found himself being pulled up by Roy, severing the clutch that held them together. He stumbled trying to find his footing; he had forgotten how dizzy he was before. Roy took his arm to steady him.

"I'm sorry," Ed mumbled. His hair hung down his face like a mess of hay.

"Apologies, confessions, unable to keep your balance..." Roy chuckled a little. "Keep this up and you're going to start proposing to someone, like Havoc."

"You don't believe me, then."

"You can talk with me about it after you start doing what you're told."

Ed could have torn out his ribs right then and there. The pain would not have been different.

"...alright."

Roy tugged at his arm, motioning for him to follow. The arm slipped from his grasp as he walked away and dropped to Ed's side.

"Fullmetal," Roy said as he turned back toward him, "it's time to go."

I hate myself.

"I'll sleep. I'll do whatever you say," Ed said wearily, "I just want... one favor."

"What?"

Ed imagined his teeth should be cracked by now, with the amount of times he's clenched his jaw already.

"Can I... can you kiss me?"

He regretted it the moment it came out, feeling the frustration bubbling up once more as silence stretched over a horribly long period of time. His chest tightened when he heard footsteps: Roy was going to walk away and leave him there, he knew it. The nausea was creeping back.

There were hands on his shoulders, turning him until he was facing Roy. The look on the man's face was unreadable.

"If I do this," he said cautiously, "You will go straight to bed and sleep?"

Ed took a breath, slow and unsteady.

"Yes."

"You will also see a doctor first thing in the morning?"

"...yes."

Roy slid his hands off Ed's shoulders, unnerved by the look in the blonde's eyes.

 _You're a valuable asset to the military, and you have a goal you need to accomplish, Roy wanted to say, there is no other reason for me to be doing this._

Roy brushed some of the hair out of Ed's face before leaning forward, evening out the height difference between them. He ran his hand down Ed's face and the blonde flinched, eyes fluttering closed, his neck arching into that touch.

It would just be a brief kiss, nothing more. There wasn't a soul around to bear witness to the atrocity he was about to commit.

He nudged Ed's head up to skate his lips across the other's before pressing them together, and Ed inhaled sharply at the sudden contact; it was beautiful, perfect. The blonde curled his arms around the colonel to pull him closer, his body aching for more contact. Like the light, he desperately wanted to become a part of Roy, to have him pull all the shadows out and cast them off into the wind.

His body involuntarily rubbed against the man and Roy was quick to pull away. "No more than that."

Ed felt a giant weight sink into his heart, and he looked into Roy's eyes, intimidated by that sharp, smoldering stare.

"Right..." he mumbled, doing all he can to keep the strain out of his voice.

He let Roy disentangle himself from his arms.

"Now," Roy said as he straightened his clothes, "it's time for you to do your end of the bargain." His voice remained infuriatingly neutral, business-like.

Ed had no choice but to oblige.

xxx

Al was relieved to see Ed walking back to his room, with the colonel by his side. He knew from the moment he saw that empty bed that Ed had sneaked out, possibly back to headquarters to down another gallon of coffee before immersing himself in more books. From the looks of it, Roy was able to knock some sense into him; Ed seemed much more compliant than earlier.

The two stopped in front of Al, with Ed lingering behind Roy.

"I had a talk with him, and he agreed to get some rest tonight," Roy said, looking satisfied.

"Thank you colonel. I hope it wasn't too much trouble. You know how Ed is..."

"It's no problem," he replied, and directed his his eyes toward Ed as he gently pushed him toward Al. His voice grew low. "I just hope nothing like this ever happens again."

xxx

That night, Ed dreamed of Ishval, by Roy's side to watch those children burn.


End file.
